‘Look, see what I mean?’, the manager said, as a dishevelled DBA stumbled past his pig pen grunting inconsequentially to himself.

‘Good morning’, said the manager to him, forcing a beam from ear to ear with a rather strained Bonhomie

The DBA gave an extra-loud grunt, his pale puffy face turned to stare balefully at the manager, and he shambled off to his flickering screen.

I knew the problem. Sometimes, in personal references one reads comments such as ‘excellent technical skills but not ideally suited to a customer-facing role’. In the case of this particular IT department, the problems were more acute. Everyone was quietly working away, but nobody was talking to anyone else, except to complain about ‘lack of communication’. The inevitable consequence was a strange increasing social isolation that had affected productivity. Everyone was working hard but without shared purpose. Productivity was awful.

As the manager and I mulled over the problems, an email arrived ‘ping’ in his inbox. It was from the DBA. It read ‘Morning’.

The manager looked pleadingly at me, much like a dog desperately paddling for shore, and asked my advice.

Complex problems sometimes don’t require elaborate solutions. Fortunately I knew enough about the department at this stage to come up with a solution.

I wish I’d thought of this clever strategy, which I originally came across a long time ago in a college of psychiatry. They were suffering the same problem. No discussions, no testing of ideas by bouncing them off colleagues, no coordination, just practitioners working in isolation. These guys were supposed to know how to tackle problems like this but the disease of the community had crept up on them and they’d been unaware of their own dysfunction until an outsider pointed it out to them. This is the solution they came up with, and I’ve always been in awe of it.

Someone from outside the organisation was hired solely to prepare coffee for them at ten thirty, exactly, in the morning and tea in the afternoon at three-thirty.. This was no ordinary person, but one of the few who knew the exact science of preparing such beverages. The coffee and tea were so good, and smelled so beguiling when it was prepared that everyone left their desks to share in it, smile, chat to others and socialise. From all over the department, like rats to the Pied Piper, the staff appeared. The timing was exact, and announced by the ringing of a ‘Pavlovian’ bell

The genius of the task of preparing the beverages would call on the coffee shop on the way to the college. She would buy fresh, lightly-roasted Kenyan Peaberry coffee still warm from the roaster, and only the best and freshest tea. ‘If you can smell it at all strongly, it is too late, the flavour has gone from the bean’ she told me. She would grind the coffee by hand so as to ensure that the coffee beans did not heat up to the point where the volatile essential oils left the beans. She would infuse the coffee with water that was near, but not at boiling point. 

When the urn of coffee was ready every cells of our bodies yearned for the magical brew. The final touch was to heat up some of the spare beans until the corridors were filled with the aroma of fresh-roasted coffee.

Believe me, it was impossible to resist.

You may never have experienced the effect of a properly prepared fresh coffee hitting the blood stream, the subtle blend of caffeine and essential oils; that surge of confidence, concentration, and bonhomie. It is said that coffee was discovered when a Shepard in the Yemen, in around 500AD noticed that his sheep, after grazing on some unusual shrubs, started leaping about oddly, and inventing novel applications for XML. Hmm, perhaps I exaggerate. Certainly, the effect was striking. The coffee room resounded with happy members of staff, talking, discussing, relating, and sipping the magical beverage. The same was true of afternoon tea, served properly using similar principles. The bell sounded the time at which the staff would meet, talk, and function as a team. We all planned our day around these happy occasions.

And so it went. The strategy worked perfectly as it always does. Where I have suggested it and the management has refused on grounds of expense, or the ridiculous idea that their staff don’t deserve good coffee, I know that organisation is doomed to self-destruction.

FAQ

OK Phil. How should I prepare coffee then?

The beans should be rapidly and evenly roasted for between eight to twelve minutes at 390 degrees Fahrenheit. (it helps to add just a little sugar)  If you get a strong coffee smell at this point, the best essential oils are lost. Peaberry, being round, gets a more even roast than a normal bean. Coffee must never be under-roasted. If you taste a bitter taste in the coffee, it has been over-roasted. The moment roasting is completed; the beans must be cooled rapidly. It should be consumed as soon after roasting as possible, whilst it is fresh.

Coffee must be ground coarsely immediately before the coffee is prepared. Once grinding is done, coffee flavours will oxidise. Use electric grinders cautiously, as they can heat up the beans enough to lose flavour.

Coffee should be prepared with water that has boiled and has cooled slightly. Fanatics will suggest that only earthenware vessels should be used, and one should certainly filter the coffee. Take your time with the infusion, but never let the water cool too much.

So, where did coffee come from? I don’t buy the idea of Sheep using XML.

Coffea Arabica comes from the mountains of Yemen or Ethiopia, and probably was not discovered before AD 800. Its’ use was local to Arabia and the first coffee shop in Cairo didn’t open until 1550 AD. It got to Turkey at around 1600 AD. In around 1650, the first coffee houses opened in London and Paris. In 1688, Lloyds coffee shop opened in London and quickly developed into a centre for the insurance business, and went on to become the world-famous Insurance Underwriters. Some historians refer to the Age of Reason as the Age of Coffee.

Surely we should drink Espresso and Cappuccino?

Within the coffee trade, it is well known that the Italians and French will happily buy the lowest-quality grades of coffee that the Americans and Northern Europeans won’t touch. Once they have had their brutal way with the beans, all the flavour has gone anyway, giving you a shot of caffeine that merely serves to make you rush around getting flushed and angry, with your temples thumping. The real caffeine buzz depends on the subtle blend of essential oils.

Why hire someone just to make coffee?

When stressful events happen, people forget the importance of the Coffee and Tea ceremony in the scrabble to do stuff.  It is important to entrust the task to someone who can’t be ‘re-prioritised’, and who understands the importance of what they’re doing.  For people to make the time to communicate, it is essential for the coffee/tea break to happen invariably at the correct time. Also, I’ve never yet come across an IT professional who can make coffee or tea to the required standard

Hmm. OK, how should Tea be made?

Tea relies on its blend of Caffeine, tannin, and essential oils. To prepare tea well involves extracting the caffeine without too much tannin., whilst conserving the aroma and flavour. This is not easy. One should use fresh water, freshly boiled, and a three to five minute infusion, perhaps longer in hard-water areas. Use one rounded teaspoonful of tea for each cup required. If it is to be drunk with milk, a six-minute infusion is recommended because the casein in the milk reacts with the Tannin (Mitchell 1905).  You should stir the pot during the infusion. The type of tea that works best depends entirely on the ph of the water supply, with soft water being the best. Lancashire water is legendary for tea-making due to its softness. My own preference is to use a good-quality Ceylon Tea and  to use a brown glazed earthenware teapot for the preperation of tea.