{"id":6488,"date":"2013-12-19T09:58:52","date_gmt":"2013-12-19T09:58:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/test.simple-talk.com\/uncategorized\/it-aphorisms\/"},"modified":"2018-03-28T14:54:29","modified_gmt":"2018-03-28T14:54:29","slug":"it-aphorisms","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/blogs\/it-aphorisms\/","title":{"rendered":"IT Aphorisms"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>An aphorism is a concise or laconic statement that expresses an element of truth, and maybe a sting in the tail. such as &#8216;I&#8217;m an atheist, thank God&#8217;, or &#8216;The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned.&#8217; An aphorism that is too often repeated becomes a clich\u00e9.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"float-right\" src=\"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/Shocking.jpg\" alt=\"Shocking.jpg\" width=\"300\" height=\"206\" \/><\/p>\n<p>The literature of Information Technology in general is short of aphorisms. It IT, we don&#8217;t tend to use them much, Although DBAs will recognise Paul Randal&#8217;s famous &#8216;The answer, as always, is that it depends.&#8217; we generally pine for the seventies when greats such as Fred Brooks Jr, with his classic &#8216;The Mythical Man-Month&#8217;, used the form to perfection. It is full of aphorisms such as &#8216;our estimating techniques fallaciously confuse effort with progress, hiding the assumption that men and months are interchangeable&#8217;, &#8216;Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later..&#8217;, or &#8216;How does a project get to be a year late?&#8230; One day at a time&#8217;. Fred Brooks wrote in a flowing prose style of extended aphorisms and the book is as fresh as when it appeared in 1975<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;d like to attempt to revive the tradition of the aphorism in IT writing and presentations, and to get you started I came up with a few to give you the idea of the sort of humour I enjoy. I hope you&#8217;ll contribute your own aphorisms as comments.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&#8220;Excuse this complex and intricate code, I didn&#8217;t have the time to make it simple.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If every well-known DBA in the world was laid end-to-end, I&#8217;d assume it was the effect of the evening Partying at SQL PASS.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m not afraid of hard work, unless it is me doing it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The only time you can predict the release date of software is after it has happened.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Only a youngster can make a fortune with a startup, since age brings the knowledge and experience that it is impossible.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;There are eight golden rules to the management of an IT project, and it is a shame that nobody knows what they are.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The brain is wonderful. It starts working when one wakes up, and ceases only when developing SQL code.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Developers have knowledge but can&#8217;t express it, whereas trainers have none, but can&#8217;t stop.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Every software team should have a fool or two in it, if only to test the software to ensure it is fool-proof.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Cursors were created tongue-in cheek, but procedural programmers didn&#8217;t understand the joke.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Software companies that plagiarise the work of others are always the most suspicious of being plagiarised&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A Project Manager determines the success of a project as much as a weather forecaster determines the weather.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I like to work in a team where the other developers are clever enough to understand my code, but stupid enough to admire it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The IT Manager&#8217;s job is to produce long words to cover up the mistakes of his staff&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Running his code is like plodding over a field of sticky clay after it has rained.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;DBAs do not die, they are just dropped by The SuperUser&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The moment a finished application looks as good as the rigged prototype, it is time to deploy&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Programming is like cycling. Whatever direction you take it is an uphill struggle against the wind.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I find that Agile is exhausting. It takes all my energy to appear reasonable and accommodating&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A good database works better than a human because it doesn&#8217;t stop every few minutes to look at Twitter.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A month of programming can often save a day of thought.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;An onion will make you cry, but your manager is the only vegetable that can make you laugh&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;When visited by the IT director, we all expected him to sit on his elbow.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;As a programmer, I attribute my successes to jogging, abstinence and fasting. I&#8217;ve never done any of them.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;How come one can continue writing code through the night without tiredness, whereas writing a thank-you note leaves one drained and exhausted.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;God sends us the data, the devil gives us the DBAs&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My Big Data is unreliable, but the insights I gain from it are fascinating.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The first mistake a DBA makes is in becoming one.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Our developers are all graduates, not so much from Redbrick universities as white-tile ones.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A bug is nothing more than an opportunity to refactor code.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;That ain&#8217;t a database, it&#8217;s a spreadsheet!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;In the middle of the crowded railway carriage, he farted. He just said &#8216;Rollback&#8217;, and we all knew he as a DBA.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The act of prayer should never be like negotiating a service-level agreement with God.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A DBA should always stand up to programmers, the worm may turn, but the other side is pretty similar.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;In programming, it is wiser to profit from good advice than to give it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The only people who are confident that they understand IT issues are the senior management.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A database is a rational logical universe. The DBA, however, may still believe in the tooth faries&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;A good way of flattering a manager is to praise him for always detecting flattery.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;DBAs don&#8217;t grow old, they merely lose their row locks<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It is better to understand part of the way SQL Server works than to misunderstand all of it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;To discover a programmers faults, praise him to his team-members.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The best way of punishing a development team is to have it managed by a programmer.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Jesus was the first financial DBA: he upset the tables of the moneylenders.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>An aphorism is a concise or laconic statement that expresses an element of truth, and maybe a sting in the tail. such as &#8216;I&#8217;m an atheist, thank God&#8217;, or &#8216;The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned.&#8217; An aphorism that is too often repeated becomes a clich\u00e9. The&#8230;&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":154613,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"coauthors":[6813],"class_list":["post-6488","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blogs"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6488","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/154613"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6488"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6488\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":77844,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6488\/revisions\/77844"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6488"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6488"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6488"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.red-gate.com\/simple-talk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=6488"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}