quotations

Quotation	Author
Advertising agencies are eighty-five per cent confusion and fifteen per cent commission.	Fred Allen b 1894
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.	Fred Allen b 1894
California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.	Fred Allen b 1894
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together decide that nothing can be done.	Fred Allen b 1894
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.	Fred Allen b 1894
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.	Fred Allen b 1894
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie on it.	Fred Allen b 1894
My agent gets ten percent of everything I get, except my blinding headaches.	Fred Allen b 1894
What is on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement.	Fred Allen b 1894
All men are born free and unequal.	Fred Allen b 1894
Cockroaches think that kitchens were created to afford a convenient home for cockroaches.	Grant Allen b 1848
If you want to annoy your neighbours, tell the truth about them.	Pietro Aretino b 1492
Nationalism is a silly cock crowing on its own dunghill	Richard Adlington b 1892
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep	Hugh Auden b1907
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse	Arthur Baer b 1897
The cure for admiring the house of lords is to go and look at it	Walter Bagehot b 1826
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.	Honore de Balzac b 1799
The god to whom little boys say their prayers has a face very like their mother's	J. M. Barrie b 1860
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most trouble is Sex	John Barrymore b 1889
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after leaving college	Tom Masson b 1866
England seems to me to be full of people doing things they don't want to do, because other people expect it of them.	Somerset Maugham b 1874
The only thing experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing	Andre Maurois b 1885
One one subject at least men and women agree, they both distrust women.	Andre Maurois b 1885
The penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.	Andre Maurois b 1885
A teacher is one who, in his youth, admired teachers.	Andre Maurois b 1885
When women kiss, it reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.	Andre Maurois b 1885
A sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.	Andre Maurois b 1885
On the continent, people have good food, in England people have good table manners.	George Mikes b 1913
Poets are born, not paid	Addison Mizner b 1872
Some peoples genius lies in giving infinite pains	Addison Mizner b 1872
Be nice to people on the way up because you will meet them on the way down.	Wilson Mizner b 1876
War hath no fury like a noncombatant	Charles Montague b 1867
A doctor gets no pleasure out of the health of his friends	Michel Montaigne b 1533
I have discovered the art of fooling diplomats; I speak the truth and they never believe me.	Benso di Cavour b 1810
An author is a fool who, not content with having bored those who lived with him, insists on boring future generations.	Baron de Montesquieu b 1689
England produced Shakespeare; the British Empire the six-shilling novel.	George Moore b 1852
In politics, the choice is constantly between two evils.	John Morley b 1838
In the midst of life we are in debt.	Ethel Watts Mumford b 1878
A man of courage never needs weapons, but he may need bail.	Ethel Watts Mumford b 1878
Parents were invented to keep children happy by giving them something to ignore.	Ogden Nash b 1902
Chivalry: going about releasing beautiful maidens from othermen's castles, and taking them to your own castle.	Henry W Nevinson b 1856
O Physics! Preserve me from metaphysics!	Isaac Newton b 1642
The last christian died on the cross.	Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche b 1844
Woman was God's second mistake.	Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche b 1844
Winter lingered so long in the lap of Spring that it occasioned a great deal of talk.	Edgar Wilson Nye b 1850
After thirty-five a man begins to have thoughts about women; before that he just has feelings.	Austin O'Malley b 1858
Many social visits you think paid to yourself are paid to your bottles	Austin O'Malley b 1858
Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass	Austin O' Malley b 1858
Brevity is the soul of lingerie	Dorothy Parker b 1893
Had Cleopatra's nose been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been different	Blaise Pascal b 1623
My wife, poor wretch, is troubled with her lonely life.	Samuel Pepys b 1633
A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination	Sir Arthur Wing Pinero b 1855
A boy is, of all wild beasts, the hardest to manage.	Plato b c.427
I have great faith in fools; self confidence my friends call it.	Edar Allen Poe b 1809
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.	Channing Pollock b 1880
You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come: knock as you please, there's nobody at home.	Alexander Pope b 1688
I owe much, I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.	Francois Rabelais b 1495
The ignorance of French society gives one a rough sense of the infinite.	Joseph Ernest Renan b 1823
The world is inhabited by two species of human being; mankind and the English.	Dr. G.J. Renier b 1892
Friendship among women is only a suspension of hostilities.	Comte de Rivarol b1753
To be constant is love to one is good; to be constant to many is great.	James Jeffrey Roche b 1847
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.	Earl of Rochester b 1647
I never expected to see the days when girls get sunburned in places they do now	Will Rodgers b 1879
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.	Gioacchino Antonio Rossini b 1792
A fool and her money are soon courted	Helen Rowland b 1876
A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted.	Helen Rowland b 1876
Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.	Helen Rowland b 1876
Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing - that's what a little boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.	Helen Rowland b 1876
The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.	Betrand Russell b 1872
Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do so.	Betrand Russell b 1872
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.	Saki b 1870
Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.	Saki b 1870
It is better to have loved your wife than never to have loved at all.	Edgar Saltus b 1855
Slang is a language that take off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.	Carl Sandburg b 1878
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.	George Santayana b 1863
There is no cure for birth or death, save to enjoy the interval.	George Santayana b 1863
Every time I paint a portrait, I lose a friend.	John Singer Sargent b 1856
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.	Marguise de Sevigne b 1626
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.	William Shakespeare b 1564
Two women placed together make cold weather.	William Shakespeare b 1564
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.	George Bernard Shaw b 1856
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.	George Bernard Shaw b 1856
England and America are two countries separated by the same language.	George Bernard Shaw b 1856
If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion.	George Bernard Shaw b 1856
No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than Paul boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.	George Benard Shaw b 1856
Success covers a multitude of blunders.	george Bernard Shaw b 1856
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him, he calls it ferocity.	George Bernard Shaw b 1856
Youth is a wonderful thing; what a crime to waste it on children.	George Bernard Shaw b 1856
Hell is a city much like London.	Percy Byssche Shelley b1792
If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.	Percy Henry Sheridan b 1831
Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up a statue in honour of a critic.	Jean Sibelius b 1865
Mosquitoes were using my ankles for filling stations.	Cornelia Otis Skinner b 1901
I have been a success: for sixty years I have eaten and have avoided being eaten.	Logan Pearsall Smith b 1865
What music is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say.	Logan Pearsall Smith b 1865
As the French say, there are three sexes - men, women and clergymen.	Sydney Smith b 1771
The further he went west, the more convinced he became that the wise men came from the east.	Sydney Smith b 1771
I never read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices one so.	Sydney Smith b 1771
Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is a damned inconvenience.	Sydney Smith b 1771
When I take a gun in hand, the safest place for a pheasant is just opposite the muzzle.	Sydney Smith b 1771
Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.	Socrates b 470 b.c.
Jazz will endure just as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains.	John Philip Sousa b 1854
A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.	Herbert Spencer b 1820
Feel for others - in your pocket.	Charles Haddon Spurgeon b 1834
I'm not so think as you drunk I am.	Sir John Squire b 1884
Ceremony is the invention of wise men to keep fools at bay.	Richard Steele b 1672
The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.	Stendhal b 1783
Philistine: a term of contempt applied by prigs to the rest of their species.	Sir Leslie Stephen b 1832
Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.	James Stephens b 1882
May you live all the days of your life.	Jonathan Swift b 1667
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on her with a pitchfork.	jonathan Swift b 1667
It takes a major operation to extract money from a minor poet.	Albert Ellsworth Thomas b 1872
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.	Mark Twain b 1835
The creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.	Mark Twain b 1835
Out Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed with the monkey.	Mark Twain b 1835
Repartee is something we think of 24 hours too late.	Mark Twain b 1835
To eat is human; to digest, divine.	Mark Twain b 1835
Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts law suits over their wills.	Voltaire b 1694
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.	Voltaire b 1694
If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.	Arthur Baer b 1897
Every crowd has a silver lining.	P.T. Barnum b 1810
I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.	Dion Boucicault b 1822
The shortest way out of Manchester is notoriously a bottle of Gordon's Gin.	William Bolitho
A rich man's joke is always funny.	Thomas Edward Brown b 1830
An apology for the Devil: it must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case; God has written all the books.	Samuel Butler b 1835
Epitaph: a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued.	I.S. Cobb b 1876
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.	Benjamin Disraeli b 1804
And what is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.	Ralph Waldo Emerson b 1803
Cupid is a blind gunner.	George Farquhar b 1678
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is, that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.	Henry Fielding b 1707
Chance is the pseudonym of God when He did not wish to sign.	Anatole France b 1844
An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.	Henry Wotton b 1568

insults

Insult
You have two ears and one mouth so you might listen the more and talk the less.
You like your friends to be just clever enough to comprehend your cleverness and just stupid enough to admire it.
You own and operate a ferocious temper.
There is nothing wrong with you, that a miracle couldn't cure.
Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you could be impossible?
You look as if you had been poured into your clothes and had forgotten to say when.
You are more likely to contribute heat than light into a discussion.
you have a lot of fat that does not fit.
I don't say that you should misbehave, but you ought to look as though you could.
You were not made for climbing the tree of knowledge.
You never choose an opinion, you just wear what happens to be in style.
The tartness of your face sours ripe grapes.
The ablest man I ever met was the man you think you are.
You have a whim of iron.
I do not recall your name but your manners are familiar.
Ordinarily you are insane, but you have lucid moments when you are merely stupid.
You must have had a magnificent build before your stomach went in for a career of its own.
You are a singular framework of clothes with nothing of consequence inside them.
You are an unprincipled, principle-ridden prig.
You were born stupid and have greatly increased your birthright.
You are the toadstool of the realm.
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?
You have impeccable bad taste.
If only you'd wash your neck, I'd wring it.
You'll go to heaven no doubt, but you won't like God.
You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, possible.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits, after all even camels should return a loan.
Down, down to hell; and say I sent thee hither.
I would the gods had made thee more poetical.
You find it hard to drink tea without a stratagem.
I wish I was as cocksure of anything as you are of everything.
You take no interest in art, until you are told that it is immoral
You are the type of human that makes it a pity that Noah and his family didn't miss the boat.
I admire you, I confess. When your time comes I shall buy a bit of the rope as a keepsake.
You remind me of the Marquis of Sade, only not quite as sociable.
Your opinions should not be tossed lightly aside; they should be thrown down with great force.
Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of your life.
Silence: your only meaningful form of conversation.
You look as if you have been shot, and nobody has had the heart to tell you that you're dead.
You are indebted to your memory for your jests and your imagination for your facts.
Your smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin.
You make your conscience not your guide, but your accomplice.
You are a self-made man, and worship your creator.
You are a sheep in sheep's clothing.
You never spare yourself in conversation. You give so generously that hardly anyone else is permitted to give anything in your presence.
When I see you I often think "there, but for the grace of God, goes God"
You have a brilliant mind - until you make it up.
Greater love hath no man than you, you lay down your friends for your life.
You are the only person I know who can strut sitting down.
Thou pickle-herring in the puppet show of nonsense
Your imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich. You can run, but you can't soar.
You have occasional flashes of silence, that make your conversation delightful.
There are three types of human being - men, women and you.
You seem to have two topics of conversation, yourself and life. I'm sick of the former - I sincerely hope that you're bored with the latter.
I cannot but conclude that the bulk of your countries inhabitants are the most pernicious of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon.
You have beautiful moments, but awful quarter hours.
You cannot even open your mouth without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
Your intelligent conversation is like a dog walking on it's hind legs. It is not done well, but one is surprised to find it done at all.
May you be cursed with a chronic anxiety about the weather.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
Your mind is like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it can hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring will spill the soup into somebody's lap.
You have the talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
You are the kind of person who fosters kamikaze units, resolved to drive their cars into your house until one of them is lucky enough to get you.
When I first saw you, I thought "either this person is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived."
If I may liken your family to a compost heap (and I think I can) then you are the biggest weed growing out of it.
I wouldn't trust you to sit the right way on a lavatory.
I see that your stomach doesn't like you.
I take it that Scotland Yard seized your fitness programme as obscene.
It's said that if you give a monkey a word processor and infinite time, he'll do something useful. Keep trying.
If God would give you the grace to see yourself the way that others see you, you would throw up.
You have both feet planted firmly in the air.
You're a waste of space.
You must hope that your family parrot will never get stolen by the town gossip.
If you wish to avoid seeing a fool you must first break your mirror.
Your mind needs an uplift as well as your face.
Such am I and you; but what I am you cannot be; but what you are anyone may be.
You are a rake among scholars and a scholar among rakes.
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.
You can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any person I've ever met.
You do not stand shivering upon the brink, you are a thorough-paced liar, you plunge at once into the depths of others' credulity.
If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!
You look wise; pray, correct that error.
You are not dull yourself - you merely cause dullness in others.
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day - do you constantly have to hog all the overtime.
You do nothing in particular, but you do it very well.
Your speech is a drop of reason diluted with a flood of nonsense.
You're so mean, you wouldn't let a baby have more than one measle at a time.
You'd make a lovely corpse.
You could sue your face for defamation of character.
Are you dressed for an opera or an operation?
You are not just a chip off the old block, but the old block itself.
Your interest in natural history is confined to observations of the crow's feet gathering around your eyes.
Your's is the sort of career that makes the recording angel think seriously about taking up shorthand.
As a host, you match Macbeth.
What's on your mind - if you'll forgive the overstatement.
You're so narrow minded that if you fell on a pin you'd blind both eyes.
Your hat will never go out of style, it'll just look ridiculous year after year.
Your features do not seem to know the value of teamwork.