1. You have two ears and one mouth so you might listen the more and talk the less.
2. You like your friends to be just clever enough to comprehend your cleverness and just stupid enough to admire it.
3. You own and operate a ferocious temper.
4. There is nothing wrong with you, that a miracle couldn't cure.
5. Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you could be impossible?
6. You look as if you had been poured into your clothes and had forgotten to say when.
7. You are more likely to contribute heat than light into a discussion.
8. you have a lot of fat that does not fit.
9. I don't say that you should misbehave, but you ought to look as though you could.
10. You were not made for climbing the tree of knowledge.
11. You never choose an opinion, you just wear what happens to be in style.
12. The tartness of your face sours ripe grapes.
13. The ablest man I ever met was the man you think you are.
14. You have a whim of iron.
15. I do not recall your name but your manners are familiar.
16. Ordinarily you are insane, but you have lucid moments when you are merely stupid.
17. You must have had a magnificent build before your stomach went in for a career of its own.
18. You are a singular framework of clothes with nothing of consequence inside them.
19. You are an unprincipled, principle-ridden prig.
20. You were born stupid and have greatly increased your birthright.
21. You are the toadstool of the realm.
22. Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
23. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?
24. You have impeccable bad taste.
25. If only you'd wash your neck, I'd wring it.
26. You'll go to heaven no doubt, but you won't like God.
27. You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, possible.
28. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits, after all even camels should return a loan.
29. Down, down to hell; and say I sent thee hither.
30. I would the gods had made thee more poetical.
31. You find it hard to drink tea without a stratagem.
32. I wish I was as cocksure of anything as you are of everything.
33. You take no interest in art, until you are told that it is immoral
34. You are the type of human that makes it a pity that Noah and his family didn't miss the boat.
35. I admire you, I confess. When your time comes I shall buy a bit of the rope as a keepsake.
36. You remind me of the Marquis of Sade, only not quite as sociable.
37. Your opinions should not be tossed lightly aside; they should be thrown down with great force.
38. Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of your life.
39. Silence: your only meaningful form of conversation.
40. You look as if you have been shot, and nobody has had the heart to tell you that you're dead.
41. You are indebted to your memory for your jests and your imagination for your facts.
42. Your smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin.
43. You make your conscience not your guide, but your accomplice.
44. You are a self-made man, and worship your creator.
45. You are a sheep in sheep's clothing.
46. You never spare yourself in conversation. You give so generously that hardly anyone else is permitted to give anything in your presence.
47. When I see you I often think "there, but for the grace of God, goes God"
48. You have a brilliant mind - until you make it up.
49. Greater love hath no man than you, you lay down your friends for your life.
50. You are the only person I know who can strut sitting down.
51. Thou pickle-herring in the puppet show of nonsense
52. Your imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich. You can run, but you can't soar.
53. You have occasional flashes of silence, that make your conversation delightful.
54. There are three types of human being - men, women and you.
55. You seem to have two topics of conversation, yourself and life. I'm sick of the former - I sincerely hope that you're bored with the latter.
56. I cannot but conclude that the bulk of your countries inhabitants are the most pernicious of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
57. The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon.
58. You have beautiful moments, but awful quarter hours.
59. You cannot even open your mouth without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
60. Your intelligent conversation is like a dog walking on it's hind legs. It is not done well, but one is surprised to find it done at all.
61. May you be cursed with a chronic anxiety about the weather.
62. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
63. Your mind is like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it can hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring will spill the soup into somebody's lap.
64. You have the talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
65. You are the kind of person who fosters kamikaze units, resolved to drive their cars into your house until one of them is lucky enough to get you.
66. When I first saw you, I thought "either this person is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived."
67. If I may liken your family to a compost heap (and I think I can) then you are the biggest weed growing out of it.
68. I wouldn't trust you to sit the right way on a lavatory.
69. I see that your stomach doesn't like you.
70. I take it that Scotland Yard seized your fitness programme as obscene.
71. It's said that if you give a monkey a word processor and infinite time, he'll do something useful. Keep trying.
72. If God would give you the grace to see yourself the way that others see you, you would throw up.
73. You have both feet planted firmly in the air.
74. You're a waste of space.
75. You must hope that your family parrot will never get stolen by the town gossip.
76. If you wish to avoid seeing a fool you must first break your mirror.
77. Your mind needs an uplift as well as your face.
78. Such am I and you; but what I am you cannot be; but what you are anyone may be.
79. You are a rake among scholars and a scholar among rakes.
80. Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.
81. You can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any person I've ever met.
82. You do not stand shivering upon the brink, you are a thorough-paced liar, you plunge at once into the depths of others' credulity.
83. If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!
84. You look wise; pray, correct that error.
85. You are not dull yourself - you merely cause dullness in others.
86. Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day - do you constantly have to hog all the overtime.
87. You do nothing in particular, but you do it very well.
88. Your speech is a drop of reason diluted with a flood of nonsense.
89. You're so mean, you wouldn't let a baby have more than one measle at a time.
90. You'd make a lovely corpse.
91. You could sue your face for defamation of character.
92. Are you dressed for an opera or an operation?
93. You are not just a chip off the old block, but the old block itself.
94. Your interest in natural history is confined to observations of the crow's feet gathering around your eyes.
95. Your's is the sort of career that makes the recording angel think seriously about taking up shorthand.
96. As a host, you match Macbeth.
97. What's on your mind - if you'll forgive the overstatement.
98. You're so narrow minded that if you fell on a pin you'd blind both eyes.
99. Your hat will never go out of style, it'll just look ridiculous year after year.
100. Your features do not seem to know the value of teamwork.