quotations
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Quotation
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Author
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Advertising agencies are eighty-five per cent confusion and fifteen
per cent commission.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate
with a producer.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing but together decide that nothing can be done.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for
movie stars.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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Man has made his bedlam; let him lie on it.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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My agent gets ten percent of everything I get, except my blinding
headaches.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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What is on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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All men are born free and unequal.
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Fred Allen b 1894
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Cockroaches think that kitchens were created to afford a convenient
home for cockroaches.
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Grant Allen b 1848
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If you want to annoy your neighbours, tell the truth about them.
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Pietro Aretino b 1492
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Nationalism is a silly cock crowing on its own dunghill
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Richard Adlington b 1892
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A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep
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Hugh Auden b1907
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Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse
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Arthur Baer b 1897
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The cure for admiring the house of lords is to go and look at it
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Walter Bagehot b 1826
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Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
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Honore de Balzac b 1799
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The god to whom little boys say their prayers has a face very like
their mother's
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J. M. Barrie b 1860
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The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
trouble is Sex
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John Barrymore b 1889
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Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after
leaving college
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Tom Masson b 1866
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England seems to me to be full of people doing things they don't want
to do, because other people expect it of them.
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Somerset Maugham b 1874
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The only thing experience teaches us is that experience teaches us
nothing
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Andre Maurois b 1885
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One one subject at least men and women agree, they both distrust
women.
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Andre Maurois b 1885
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The penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were
not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
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Andre Maurois b 1885
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A teacher is one who, in his youth, admired teachers.
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Andre Maurois b 1885
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When women kiss, it reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.
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Andre Maurois b 1885
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A sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil
conscience of their parents.
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Andre Maurois b 1885
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On the continent, people have good food, in England people have good
table manners.
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George Mikes b 1913
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Poets are born, not paid
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Addison Mizner b 1872
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Some peoples genius lies in giving infinite pains
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Addison Mizner b 1872
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Be nice to people on the way up because you will meet them on the way
down.
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Wilson Mizner b 1876
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War hath no fury like a noncombatant
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Charles Montague b 1867
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A doctor gets no pleasure out of the health of his friends
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Michel Montaigne b 1533
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I have discovered the art of fooling diplomats; I speak the truth and
they never believe me.
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Benso di Cavour b 1810
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An author is a fool who, not content with having bored those who
lived with him, insists on boring future generations.
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Baron de Montesquieu b 1689
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England produced Shakespeare; the British Empire the six-shilling
novel.
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George Moore b 1852
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In politics, the choice is constantly between two evils.
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John Morley b 1838
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In the midst of life we are in debt.
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Ethel Watts Mumford b 1878
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A man of courage never needs weapons, but he may need bail.
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Ethel Watts Mumford b 1878
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Parents were invented to keep children happy by giving them something
to ignore.
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Ogden Nash b 1902
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Chivalry: going about releasing beautiful maidens from othermen's
castles, and taking them to your own castle.
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Henry W Nevinson b 1856
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O Physics! Preserve me from metaphysics!
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Isaac Newton b 1642
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The last christian died on the cross.
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Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche b 1844
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Woman was God's second mistake.
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Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche b 1844
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Winter lingered so long in the lap of Spring that it occasioned a
great deal of talk.
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Edgar Wilson Nye b 1850
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After thirty-five a man begins to have thoughts about women; before
that he just has feelings.
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Austin O'Malley b 1858
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Many social visits you think paid to yourself are paid to your
bottles
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Austin O'Malley b 1858
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Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass
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Austin O' Malley b 1858
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Brevity is the soul of lingerie
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Dorothy Parker b 1893
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Had Cleopatra's nose been shorter, the whole face of the world would
have been different
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Blaise Pascal b 1623
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My wife, poor wretch, is troubled with her lonely life.
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Samuel Pepys b 1633
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A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination
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Sir Arthur Wing Pinero b 1855
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A boy is, of all wild beasts, the hardest to manage.
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Plato b c.427
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I have great faith in fools; self confidence my friends call it.
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Edar Allen Poe b 1809
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A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
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Channing Pollock b 1880
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You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come: knock as you please,
there's nobody at home.
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Alexander Pope b 1688
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I owe much, I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.
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Francois Rabelais b 1495
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The ignorance of French society gives one a rough sense of the
infinite.
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Joseph Ernest Renan b 1823
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The world is inhabited by two species of human being; mankind and the
English.
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Dr. G.J. Renier b 1892
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Friendship among women is only a suspension of hostilities.
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Comte de Rivarol b1753
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To be constant is love to one is good; to be constant to many is
great.
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James Jeffrey Roche b 1847
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Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children;
now I have six children and no theories.
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Earl of Rochester b 1647
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I never expected to see the days when girls get sunburned in places
they do now
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Will Rodgers b 1879
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How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
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Gioacchino Antonio Rossini b 1792
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A fool and her money are soon courted
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Helen Rowland b 1876
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A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been
extracted.
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Helen Rowland b 1876
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Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
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Helen Rowland b 1876
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Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing - that's what a
little boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.
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Helen Rowland b 1876
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The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to
be a credit to them.
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Betrand Russell b 1872
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Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do so.
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Betrand Russell b 1872
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I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
living apart.
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Saki b 1870
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Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by
death.
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Saki b 1870
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It is better to have loved your wife than never to have loved at all.
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Edgar Saltus b 1855
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Slang is a language that take off its coat, spits on its hands, and
goes to work.
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Carl Sandburg b 1878
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Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten
your aim.
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George Santayana b 1863
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There is no cure for birth or death, save to enjoy the interval.
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George Santayana b 1863
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Every time I paint a portrait, I lose a friend.
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John Singer Sargent b 1856
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The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
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Marguise de Sevigne b 1626
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Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
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William Shakespeare b 1564
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Two women placed together make cold weather.
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William Shakespeare b 1564
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Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
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George Bernard Shaw b 1856
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An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
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George Bernard Shaw b 1856
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England and America are two countries separated by the same language.
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George Bernard Shaw b 1856
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If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a
conclusion.
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George Bernard Shaw b 1856
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No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than Paul
boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
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George Benard Shaw b 1856
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Success covers a multitude of blunders.
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george Bernard Shaw b 1856
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When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger
wants to murder him, he calls it ferocity.
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George Bernard Shaw b 1856
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Youth is a wonderful thing; what a crime to waste it on children.
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George Bernard Shaw b 1856
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Hell is a city much like London.
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Percy Byssche Shelley b1792
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If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
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Percy Henry Sheridan b 1831
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Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up
a statue in honour of a critic.
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Jean Sibelius b 1865
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Mosquitoes were using my ankles for filling stations.
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Cornelia Otis Skinner b 1901
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I have been a success: for sixty years I have eaten and have avoided
being eaten.
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Logan Pearsall Smith b 1865
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What music is more enchanting than the voices of young people when
you can't hear what they say.
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Logan Pearsall Smith b 1865
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As the French say, there are three sexes - men, women and clergymen.
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Sydney Smith b 1771
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The further he went west, the more convinced he became that the wise
men came from the east.
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Sydney Smith b 1771
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I never read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices one so.
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Sydney Smith b 1771
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Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is a damned inconvenience.
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Sydney Smith b 1771
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When I take a gun in hand, the safest place for a pheasant is just
opposite the muzzle.
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Sydney Smith b 1771
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Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.
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Socrates b 470 b.c.
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Jazz will endure just as long as people hear it through their feet
instead of their brains.
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John Philip Sousa b 1854
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A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.
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Herbert Spencer b 1820
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Feel for others - in your pocket.
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Charles Haddon Spurgeon b 1834
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I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
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Sir John Squire b 1884
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Ceremony is the invention of wise men to keep fools at bay.
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Richard Steele b 1672
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The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
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Stendhal b 1783
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Philistine: a term of contempt applied by prigs to the rest of their
species.
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Sir Leslie Stephen b 1832
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Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.
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James Stephens b 1882
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May you live all the days of your life.
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Jonathan Swift b 1667
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She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on her with a pitchfork.
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jonathan Swift b 1667
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It takes a major operation to extract money from a minor poet.
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Albert Ellsworth Thomas b 1872
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Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they
escaped teething.
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Mark Twain b 1835
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The creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
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Mark Twain b 1835
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Out Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed with the
monkey.
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Mark Twain b 1835
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Repartee is something we think of 24 hours too late.
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Mark Twain b 1835
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To eat is human; to digest, divine.
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Mark Twain b 1835
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Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to
instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts
law suits over their wills.
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Voltaire b 1694
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The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature
cures the disease.
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Voltaire b 1694
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If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little
things they only print your thumbs.
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Arthur Baer b 1897
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Every crowd has a silver lining.
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P.T. Barnum b 1810
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I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.
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Dion Boucicault b 1822
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The shortest way out of Manchester is notoriously a bottle of
Gordon's Gin.
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William Bolitho
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A rich man's joke is always funny.
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Thomas Edward Brown b 1830
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An apology for the Devil: it must be remembered that we have only
heard one side of the case; God has written all the books.
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Samuel Butler b 1835
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Epitaph: a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been
permanently discontinued.
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I.S. Cobb b 1876
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There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
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Benjamin Disraeli b 1804
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And what is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been
discovered.
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Ralph Waldo Emerson b 1803
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Cupid is a blind gunner.
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George Farquhar b 1678
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His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is, that is, to
rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
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Henry Fielding b 1707
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Chance is the pseudonym of God when He did not wish to sign.
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Anatole France b 1844
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An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his
country.
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Henry Wotton b 1568
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insults
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Insult
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You have two ears and one mouth so you might listen the more and talk
the less.
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You like your friends to be just clever enough to comprehend your
cleverness and just stupid enough to admire it.
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You own and operate a ferocious temper.
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There is nothing wrong with you, that a miracle couldn't cure.
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Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you could be
impossible?
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You look as if you had been poured into your clothes and had
forgotten to say when.
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You are more likely to contribute heat than light into a discussion.
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you have a lot of fat that does not fit.
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I don't say that you should misbehave, but you ought to look as
though you could.
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You were not made for climbing the tree of knowledge.
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You never choose an opinion, you just wear what happens to be in
style.
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The tartness of your face sours ripe grapes.
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The ablest man I ever met was the man you think you are.
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You have a whim of iron.
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I do not recall your name but your manners are familiar.
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Ordinarily you are insane, but you have lucid moments when you are
merely stupid.
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You must have had a magnificent build before your stomach went in for
a career of its own.
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You are a singular framework of clothes with nothing of consequence
inside them.
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You are an unprincipled, principle-ridden prig.
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You were born stupid and have greatly increased your birthright.
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You are the toadstool of the realm.
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Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
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Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on
it?
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You have impeccable bad taste.
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If only you'd wash your neck, I'd wring it.
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You'll go to heaven no doubt, but you won't like God.
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You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, possible.
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May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits, after all
even camels should return a loan.
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Down, down to hell; and say I sent thee hither.
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I would the gods had made thee more poetical.
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You find it hard to drink tea without a stratagem.
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I wish I was as cocksure of anything as you are of everything.
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You take no interest in art, until you are told that it is immoral
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You are the type of human that makes it a pity that Noah and his
family didn't miss the boat.
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I admire you, I confess. When your time comes I shall buy a bit of
the rope as a keepsake.
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You remind me of the Marquis of Sade, only not quite as sociable.
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Your opinions should not be tossed lightly aside; they should be
thrown down with great force.
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Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of your
life.
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Silence: your only meaningful form of conversation.
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You look as if you have been shot, and nobody has had the heart to
tell you that you're dead.
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You are indebted to your memory for your jests and your imagination
for your facts.
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Your smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin.
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You make your conscience not your guide, but your accomplice.
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You are a self-made man, and worship your creator.
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You are a sheep in sheep's clothing.
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You never spare yourself in conversation. You give so generously that
hardly anyone else is permitted to give anything in your presence.
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When I see you I often think "there, but for the grace of God, goes
God"
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You have a brilliant mind - until you make it up.
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Greater love hath no man than you, you lay down your friends for your
life.
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You are the only person I know who can strut sitting down.
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Thou pickle-herring in the puppet show of nonsense
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Your imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich. You can run, but
you can't soar.
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You have occasional flashes of silence, that make your conversation
delightful.
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There are three types of human being - men, women and you.
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You seem to have two topics of conversation, yourself and life. I'm
sick of the former - I sincerely hope that you're bored with the
latter.
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I cannot but conclude that the bulk of your countries inhabitants are
the most pernicious of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered
to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
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The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon.
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You have beautiful moments, but awful quarter hours.
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You cannot even open your mouth without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.
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Your intelligent conversation is like a dog walking on it's hind
legs. It is not done well, but one is surprised to find it done at
all.
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May you be cursed with a chronic anxiety about the weather.
|
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From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
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Your mind is like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it can hold a small
amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring will spill the
soup into somebody's lap.
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You have the talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
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You are the kind of person who fosters kamikaze units, resolved to
drive their cars into your house until one of them is lucky enough to
get you.
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When I first saw you, I thought "either this person is suffering from
serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived."
|
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If I may liken your family to a compost heap (and I think I can) then
you are the biggest weed growing out of it.
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I wouldn't trust you to sit the right way on a lavatory.
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I see that your stomach doesn't like you.
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I take it that Scotland Yard seized your fitness programme as
obscene.
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|
It's said that if you give a monkey a word processor and infinite
time, he'll do something useful. Keep trying.
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If God would give you the grace to see yourself the way that others
see you, you would throw up.
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You have both feet planted firmly in the air.
|
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You're a waste of space.
|
|
You must hope that your family parrot will never get stolen by the
town gossip.
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If you wish to avoid seeing a fool you must first break your mirror.
|
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Your mind needs an uplift as well as your face.
|
|
Such am I and you; but what I am you cannot be; but what you are
anyone may be.
|
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You are a rake among scholars and a scholar among rakes.
|
|
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully
like other people.
|
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You can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any person
I've ever met.
|
|
You do not stand shivering upon the brink, you are a thorough-paced
liar, you plunge at once into the depths of others' credulity.
|
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If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!
|
|
You look wise; pray, correct that error.
|
|
You are not dull yourself - you merely cause dullness in others.
|
|
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day - do you
constantly have to hog all the overtime.
|
|
You do nothing in particular, but you do it very well.
|
|
Your speech is a drop of reason diluted with a flood of nonsense.
|
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You're so mean, you wouldn't let a baby have more than one measle at
a time.
|
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You'd make a lovely corpse.
|
|
You could sue your face for defamation of character.
|
|
Are you dressed for an opera or an operation?
|
|
You are not just a chip off the old block, but the old block itself.
|
|
Your interest in natural history is confined to observations of the
crow's feet gathering around your eyes.
|
|
Your's is the sort of career that makes the recording angel think
seriously about taking up shorthand.
|
|
As a host, you match Macbeth.
|
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What's on your mind - if you'll forgive the overstatement.
|
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You're so narrow minded that if you fell on a pin you'd blind both
eyes.
|
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Your hat will never go out of style, it'll just look ridiculous year
after year.
|
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Your features do not seem to know the value of teamwork.
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